


Idiots of (semi) epic proportions

by Kenabee



Series: no sleep till uswnt [2]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV) Fusion, F/F, PREATH - Freeform, USWNT, brooklyn 99 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 04:10:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20383462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenabee/pseuds/Kenabee
Summary: Tobin Heath only wants to catch bad guys and continue to get more arrests than Christen. She’s not really sure when she started caring more about Christen than she did about winning, but here they are.





	1. The Bet

**Author's Note:**

> More Brooklyn Nine-Nine Au stuff. I wrote a short bit based on “The Bet” for this one, and I have more in the works. Honestly you probably need to know this episode in order to understand what I wrote sorry
> 
> (If you’re waiting on updates for Here We Go Again I’m sorry I just have writers block/attachment issues with it right now.)

“Heath, I’m not giving you extra cases.” Becky says, and Tobin groans at her. “Quite frankly, I think this entire bet is a ridiculous endeavour. It may have pushed both you and Press to booking higher case number than any year before, but it does not excuse the ridiculous taunting and bribing between the two of you.”

“Okay, you know I wasn’t the one who started the sex tape thing. Press started that, I’ve just continued it. And she’s the one who always insults me first, it’s not my fault I always get that last word!”

“As I was saying,” Becky pauses, “I think this endeavour is ridiculous, and I’m worried about how it will affect both of your personal relationships at the end.”

“Only if I lose! I’m a terrible loser!” Tobin smiles as she says it, and dismisses herself. 

~~~

“Tobin wins!” She spins in a circle around herself, and Christen cringes as she kneels below her and opens up a ring box. “Christen press, I spent $2.75 on this ring pop, will you go on the worst-best date of your life with me.”

“Yes.” Christen glares as she grits it out, letting Tobin slide the ugly pink candy ring on her finger. She has the urge to bite it off and spit it out, but refrains on the principle that Megan has her phone out recording the entire interaction. 

“She said yes!” Tobin cheers, fist pumping before spinning away and to her desk. She pulls out an envelope, and Christen has to admit when she sees just a little bit of a schedule, she does get intrigued. If Tobin put thought into this it will be bad, but at least it will be entertaining. 

She regrets that thought as soon as Tobin brings her the dress on Friday. It’s wrapped in a trash bag, like a makeshift garment bag, and when she opens it to see the monstrous blue dress, she truly almost throws up. 

“Oh yes,” Tobin says, after she walks out her front door that night, “you look like all my friends prom dates who wanted to make out with me but were stillpretending to be straight. Turn around, I wanna see the bow.”

Christen twirls, pretending not to laugh at Tobin’s comments or hysterical giggles while she finishes the twirl. She does laugh a little when Tobin comes around the door and she sees she has sweatpants on under her blouse. 

“Do I really have to wear this?”

“C’mon Chris, you know the rules.” Christen sighs and glares, but Tobin just sticks up her fingers to count off. “Number one, you must wear what I say, number two, you must eat what I say, number three, you have to do everything I tell you until midnight.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever, can we get in the car now.” She tries to reach for the handle but Tobin stops her. 

“Wait there’s one more rule!” Christen raises her eyes to the sky and glares up at it. “Number four, you are not allowed, under any circumstances, to fall in love with me.” 

“Yeah, won’t be a problem, Heath.” She says, and pushes her way past Tobin into the car. When they pull up outside of the bar, where she can see through the window that Kelley is already at least three beers in, she’s not even surprised. 

“Attention everyone!” Tobin shouts, using an air horn briefly to get the entire bars attention. “Please pay attention to my lovely, unwilling date, and comment on exactly how horrible, this is.” 

She waves up and down Christen’s dress, and everyone cheers and claps. Christen smiles at them, because she can admit this is pretty funny. But she has to pee and disappears almost immediately to do so. 

“I do not like Christen!” She hears Tobin say, on her way back from the bathroom, and pauses before she can be seen. She’s talking to a very inebriated Kelley, and Christen doesn’t know what the context of the conversation is, but she does know when Tobin is lying, can hear it in her voice. She shakes it off though, not prepared to worry about that in any way. 

“Time to dance!” Tobin shouts when she finally does step out of the hallway, and she groans so loud even a drunk Kelley looks at her with a raised eyebrow. When when Tobin pulls Emily in to dance while she goes to talk to the captain, Christen is on the verge of begging to stop. 

“Bad news, we have to put a time out on our date.” Tobin says, pulling her away from a still dancing Emily. 

“Oh thank god.” 

“Rude.” Tobin says, but then they’re leaving the bar and finally just sitting in Tobin’s car. It’s easy to get started on the stories of bad dates, from the first time her sister set her up with a woman, to the last man she went out with who thought candle making was a proper career choice. 

“What about you?” She asks Tobin, actually curious about the last time Tobin went on a date. She never really talks about it much, unless she’s fake bragging. 

“Oh god, my last date was about three months ago?” She pauses then nods. “Yeah three months. She burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.”

“Oh my god.” Christen breathes before cracking up. They make it up to the roof soon after, and Christen laughs even harder when Tobin tells her the reason she has so many nuts is because they have no fat. 

“Tobin no! It’s the exact opposite, nuts are full of healthy fats.”

“What?” Tobin says, clearly genuinely shocked and Christen laughs even harder. 

“How are you even alive at this point?”

“Pure luck and spite.” They smile at each other for a moment, before Christen awakwardly clears her throat and looks away. She doesn’t want to examine the beating of her heart or why she suddenly feels flushed even though it’s freezing on this rooftop. 

“Tobin,” she says, “I think a pigeon just flew out of your car.”

“Yeah, the windows don’t roll up anymore.” Christen rolls her eyes to the sky. 

“Your car is a piece of crap, it smells like cheese and you’re missing part of your dashboard. Why do you love it so much?”

“My first arrest, I chased this guy down eleven blocks. Eleven fucking blocks, I played soccer for fourteen years and yet nothing felt as awful as running that much. But I caught him, and when I went to cuff him, I slammed him against that car.” She points down to it, a shitty mess of bad paint jobs and dents, but Christen gets it now. “It had a for sale sign, and I bought it that day. Best day of my life.”

“Is it still the best day of your life?” Christen asks, although she’s not sure why. Tobin pauses to think, cocking her head to the side. 

“No,” she says slowly, “but it’s still one of the most important. It’s what got me here actually, what made me realise I really love this job.”

Christen smiles at her and Tobin smiles back, before she reaches out and grabs a handful of nuts. 

“Open your mouth.” Christen does, and she laughs when the nut hits her on the nose instead of the mouth. 

“You have terrible aim.” Tobin gasps and puts a hand to her chest, but she can’t contain her laughter. 

“Fine you try!” Christen makes it on the first try, and they laugh. 

“Wait it’s Becky.” Tobin stands and answers the phone, and Christen pretends she can’t hear her denying a relief team, pretends she doesn’t feel happy about the idea that Tobin wants to spend time with her like this, as them, instead of on some ridiculous fake date. 

“I have to ask, where you really going to destroy my car if you won?” Christen’s laughs and shakes her head. 

“No, I was going to drive it actually. So I could learn stick.” Tobin’s head whips towards her and she laughs again. 

“You would have ruined my car trying to learn stick?!” Tobin shouts, but then just as suddenly pulls her down. “Look it’s our truck.”

Christen hates to admit it, but Tobin’s idea to pretend to be a couple, to ask the driver for directions, is actually brilliant and she doesn’t know if she would have thought of it. 

Neither of them are very good actors, and when Tobin pulls out the ring pop box, shouting about a proposal, Christen almost loses it laughing. When she throws the box in a fake fit of anger it really is almost too hard to keep it in, but they make it through until Tobin gives the signal, and they both pull their guns out. 

“I gotta say, I’m sad you’re arresting me, but I’m glad you guys are back together.” The perp says, and Christen cringes because if she thinks about it, yeah they probably could sell being a couple too well if they really tried. They should never try. 

(She might want to try. Someday. Just as an experiment.)

(The stripper in the morning ruins those thoughts. Even if Tobin placing herself between the stripper and Christen while shouting apologies is hilarious.)


	2. Alex the Pretty Lawyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin really needs to move on from Christen, and for a while there she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I can’t let go of Talex even though it’s really not my ship anymore. This was a guilty pleasure to write, but if you’re a Talex endgame this probably isn’t for you sorry loves

“I take it dating is going well.” Julie says, taking an unsubtle sip of her beer with raised eyebrows. 

“Ha! You could say that.” Tobin laughs, rolling her eyes. 

“What about Ali’s friend, Marta?” Julie asks and Tobin cringes. 

“She’s scarier than Ali and she straight up told me she was only going out with me to make her on-gain-off-again girlfriend mad.”

“Yikes.” Julie says, and Tobin nods and calls for a new beer. “Have you ever tried not talking about being a cop?”

“What? Why would you say that?” Tobin turns to face her with a confused look. 

“Look, Tobin, we all know you’re a good cop. We also all know sometimes all you like to talk about is being a cop, and cases. Have you tried talking about your other interests?” Julie’s voice is kind, and Tobin gets what she’s saying, agrees with it even, but she still feels defensive for some reason. 

“What? Of course I do!” Her voice is too high pitched, but Julie just sips her beer again and she sighs. “Fine I guess I could try that.”

“What about with her?” Julie tilts her beer towards a woman down the bar, who’s dressed in a simple blue dress with pretty brown hair. She’s got bright blue eyes, and even if Tobin is still a little stuck on Christen, she recognises a beautiful woman when she sees one. 

“Pretty, drinking a beer, and alone?” She says, and turns to face Julie with a smile. “Bye JJ, see you in court!” Julie shakes her head but laughs anyways. 

“Hey there.” She says, sliding into the seat next to the woman. She turns and smiles at Tobin, all blinding white, straight teeth. “I’m Tobin.”

“Hi, I’m Alex.” The smile gets a little bigger as Tobin orders them another round. They end up sharing a plate of very, very spicy hot wings, and Tobin laughs more than she has in weeks. 

When she wake up the next morning to see Alex replacing their old defense attorney, everything in her sinks down to floor and she honestly wishes she could just disappear forever. 

(They lose the case, which sucks, but Alex agrees to go out with her again, and she beats her at ping pong, so she’s feeling pretty okay.) 

~~~

When Tobin finds out she and Christen have to spend an entire night away from New York, in a cute hotel, waiting for their prisoner transfer, she’s more excited than she can properly articulate. 

(Alex has her using big words like that now, she’s learning to like it.)

“Hey I hope this is okay, but I invited Alex to join us upstate, since we’re not on duty until the morning. We heard out hotel is haunted so we wanna try the creepy doll room.”

“Uh, yeah I don’t know how to unpack that, but okay, I don’t mind.” Christen says giving her a weird look. 

“Look Alex thinks it’ll be funny, and I’m up for it.” Christen nods. 

“I wish Olivia would do something cute like that.” She pauses, “well not the creepy doll part, but maybe a romantic night out of the city. Or anything spontaneous.”

“Oh?” Tobin says, not really sure how to respond here. 

“Sorry that wasn’t fair. Olivia is great, she once brought me homemade essential oils.” Her smile falls away. “I mean, it was something I was allergic to, but it’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Uh-huh.” Tobin says. “I don’t know how to unpack all of that.”

“Funny.” Christen snarks, but it does bring a smile to her face so Tobin considers it a win. “I’ll see you in the car.”

Tobin feels inspired, or maybe just sad for Christen, but she calls up Olivia’s precinct and invites her to join. It’ll be a good surprise for Christen, one that should hopefully bring her spirits up a bit, since she’s been down the past few days. 

“So before I forget,” Tobin says, stopping before following Alex up the stairs to their creepy doll room. “Try to be downstairs in an hour, I got you a surprise!”

“No, oh no what did you do.” Christen says, and Tobin is a little offended by the horror in her voice. 

“Wow, excuse me you’re going to love this!” Tobin says trying to smile bigger. “I invited Olivia to join us!”

“Fuck Tobin.” Christen says, fave paling. “Tobin, I don’t want to see Olivia right now, I’m about to break up with her!”

“Oh,” Tobin freezes, “Oh shit my bad.”

Christen pulls her to the bar and immediately orders something called a “maple-tini” that Tobin thinks sounds pretty fun. 

“What happened, I though you guys were good?”

“We were, for a bit, but there’s just bribing there anymore.” Christen sighs and looks at the ground. “All she wants to talk about is her essential oils and how much she wants to get a cat.”

“You’re deathly allergic to cats?”

“I know! She keeps forgetting, it’s awful.” They both take sips of their drinks, and Tobin almost spits hers out. “Well that’s awful. This is awful. I’m not even done writing my breakup speech! I had a plan Tobin!”

“Okay breathe in.” She makes Christen take a few breaths with her. “We’re gonna figure this out, this is my fault so I promise I will fix this, I will focus all my attention on you two.”

Her phone chimes and she almost chokes when she sees the very enticing picture of Alex in her phone. 

“Which starts in an hour because my girlfriend is very naked upstairs, bye!” She hops off the stool quickly and tries not to feel too bad about Christen’s deep sigh. 

She and Alex barely get to makeout however, because the mix between creepy dolls and her anxiety over Chris and Olivia is too much, and she has to pull away. 

“I’m sorry, this is just so much.” She says and Alex laughs. 

“ I can’t believe you invited her, it’s so cute how much of a mess you are.” Alex smiles and Tobin can’t help but lean in to kiss her again.

“As much as I’m enjoying making out with you in front of these creepy dolls, I think we should probably go make sure Christen isn’t sinking into an anxiety hole.” Alex smiles and pulls her shirt straight, patting Tobin’s cheek fondly. 

“It’s nice that you care so much about your friends.” Tobin swallows a little tightly at that, and is thankful Alex has turned away before she can see the slight panic on her face. 

Of course, Christen is an anxious mess, yelling at an old woman who apparently can’t keep up with Christen’s ping pong skills. Tobin cringes as Chris rants about how everything is going wrong, can practically feel the anxiety coming off her in waves. 

“Okay, Chris, breathe.” She says, stepping closer and rubbing her hands up and down Christen’s arms. “Just take a deep breath in, and let it out.”

Christen does so a few times, and then nods, so Tobin steps back next to Alex. Alex squeezes Tobin’s arm lightly before stepping close and linking arms with Christen. 

“It’s going to be okay. We’re going to have a dinner all together and I will make sure nothing romantic happens because I’m great at that.” Tobin says, maybe a little too enthusiastically.

“Yeah she is.” Alex says, and they high five before Tobin cringes a little. 

“Should we have high fived about that?” She asks

“Probably not.” Both Chris and Alex say, making them all laugh a bit. 

“Thanks you guys, I just I’m really worried. Olivia is a really good person, I don’t want to crush her.”

“Okay, well if you get anywhere near there just say ‘Jericho’ and I will pull out all the stops.” Alex says, and Tobin beams at her. 

“You’re the best.” Alex links her other arm through Tobin’s and leads them out of the ping pong room and away front he old women. 

“I know. Now all you have to do is pretend to be sick halfway through dinner and act normal, can you do that?” Tobin asks, and smiles as Christen’s shoulders finally relax. 

“I can do that, I can be normal.” She says it just as the round the corner, coming face to face with Olivia. “There she is!” Christen shouts, “Olivia in the house!”

“Okay, this is going to be a disaster.” Tobin breaths and Alex nods. 

~~~

Dinner starts off okay, but somehow Olivia can’t seem to stop saying the word “romantic” and at this point even Alex is starting to slump in her seat. It’s like watching a train wreck but worse because Tobin knows every expression on Christen’s face, knows what every fidgety move means, and she knows Christen is about to burst, can feel it as strongly as she can feel her own uncomfortableness. 

“Yeah, I just think essential oils are really useful, and cats supposedly really like them!” Olivia is saying, and Tobin flinches even before Christen opens her mouth. 

“I want to break up!” Christen practically shouts, and Tobin just lays her head down to the table, resting it there and groaning.

“Hey folks, are we having a good time?” The waitress says then, and Tobin pulls up to look at her with wide eyes. 

“No we are not.” She barely gets out, and Alex squeezes her hands tightly. The waitress just nods and turns away, heading straight to the next table 

“What?” Olivia says, and everyone flinches. 

“I’m sorry I just can’t!” Christen says and throws her hands over her face. “I can’t listen to you talk about essential oils or cats or anything anymore.”

“I-I don’t have to talk about those things. I like other things.” Olivia says. “I like movies, and scrapbooking!”

“It’s not just that there are so many more reasons.” Christen looks up with wide eyes. “that sounds so bad doesn’t it?”

“As a lawyer, I advise you to shhh now.” Alex says and Christen shakes her head. 

“Look there’s just no spark, I don’t feel anything with you.” Her eyes widen. “Sorry that was too harsh. Let me try again. You’re... boring.” She throws a hand over her face again. “Fuck!”

“What Christen is trying to say is-“ Tobin tries to say, but Olivia interrupts. 

“No, you don’t get to say anything. The real reason this is happening is because of you.” Olivia says, and Tobin freezes in confusion. 

“I-uh what?”

“This is about how you told Christen you liked her before you went undercover, and when you got back.” Olivia accuses, glaring straight at Tobin.

“You liked Christen?” Alex asks and Tobin turns to her already shaking her head. 

“A while ago, a long while ago.” She says, but cringes because her voice is all high pitched and Alex’s face falls a bit. 

“Not that long ago!” Olivia says. “And every time you told her Christen would get ‘confused’ and ‘need to think about things’ and then our relationship would get out of sync, and if you ask me it’s because Christen liked you back. For whatever reason.”

“Did you?” Tobin finds herself asking, forgetting for a second that Alex and Olivia are both there. 

“Maybe?” Christen squeaks out, and Tobin would be lying if she said her heart didn’t skip a beat at that. “Yes. Well, a little? I was confused.”

“Okay you know what this is too much for me,” Alex interrupts, standing. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rip the heads off some dolls.”

“I’m leaving too. Just leave my oil jars and cat adoption pamphlets on the front step tomorrow.” Olivia says next, leaving after Alex. She and Christen stare at each other in silence before they both rise and start heading towards their rooms. 

“Please let me in.” She asks Alex through the door, and hears her give a big sigh before she opens it, standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry, I know that all sounded bad but I promise you when I tell you I don’t like Christen, I mean it.”

“I think you might believe that, but what I saw out there tells me you’re wrong.” Alex says and gives a large sigh. “You should have seen your face when you found out she liked you. God, I feel like I’m in middle school.”

“Look I can’t tell you I want surprised, maybe even excited, at the idea that Christen liked me, but it doesn’t matter. I like you, and I’m with you, and this doesn’t change that in any way.” Alex smiles at her lightly. 

“You’re sure?”

“I’m completely sure. I knocked on your door, not hers, right?” She says, and Alex’s smile grows bigger before she welcomes her intro the room. 

~~~

“Are you okay?” She asks Christen in the morning as they drive the prisoner back towards New York. 

“Yeah, I’m actually glad it’s over.” Christen says, but she drinks about half of Tobin’s blue Gatorade, so she doesn’t really believe her. “What about you, are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, Alex and I made up, we’re good. I told her everything about you and I liking each other was in the past.” She smiles over at Christen before flicking her eyes back to the road. 

“Oh, good.” Christen says, and it’s a little too peppy, but Tobin figures it’s just because of how weird the night was. 

(She doesn’t notice the way Christen’s face falls, or how she spends the rest of the ride carefully not looking at Tobin.)

~~~

“That’s a really weird time to tell me you love me for the first time.” Alex says, and Tobin has to agree. 

“Yeah sorry, I’m not really sure where that came from. Wait no that sounds bad, I’m totally messing this up, aren’t I?”

“Totally messing up breaking up with me?” Alex asks, but her mouth is twitching a little even if she’s still glaring. 

“I’m sorry?” Tobin cringes, voice coming out high and squeaky. Alex snorts though, so she relaxes a bit. 

“I’m pretty sure we both knew we were breaking up with each other.” Alex says and smiles at Tobin. “We haven’t seen each other in a month and you just arrested my boss.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Alex laughs again. 

“My boss did cocaine in front of you and then confessed to it. You’re a cop, I wouldn’t expect anything else.” Alex says and Tobin smiles awkwardly. 

“So...” Tobin tails off. 

“I’ll see you in court, Heath.” Alex says, as she pulls her boss out of the bull pen . 

“See you there, Morgan.” 

~~~

Drinks that night are easy, mostly because somehow the Captain and her rival are having problems again, and she keeps buying more rounds. They’re bonding, in a weird way, when Kelley and Ali come tumbling over. 

“Our parents are getting married!” Megan shouts, appearing out of nowhere. She’s got two shots in her hands, and drinks them in quick succession while Kelley chugs the rest of her beer. Tobin and Julie wisely give up their seats, letting the two slide in next to the captain. 

“What the fuck.” Tobin whispers to Christen, who nods with wide eyes. 

“I don’t know, today Megan brought in Kelley’s dad to interrogate her about her intentions.” Tobin turns to look at Christen with wide eyes and an open jaw. 

“What?” She says and they both burst out laughing. 

“What about you?” Christen eventually says, point to Tobin’s drink. “Rough night?”

“Alex and I broke up. I arrested her boss.” She laughs as Christen chokes on her drink, looking at her in shock. 

“You did what now?”

“Yeaaahh.” Tobin says, laughing at Christen’sface until she joins in. 

“Are you actually okay?” Christen asks about half an hour later, while they sit and watch the others get drunk with the captain. Tobin turns to look at her, and as much as she is upset about the break up, she feels pretty okay in this moment. 

“Yeah Chris, I’m good.” She smiles at her, trying to show her that’s he really is. 

(Kelley stumbles and almost falls off her chair a second later, and the two of them spend the next hour ferrying everyone’s drunk asses home.)


End file.
